| Jul. 12th, 2004 @ 10:59 pm On the weekend with Elysse and her friend Cooper, and feeling lonely |
|---|
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: Razorlight - Get It and Go
I don't know why this seems so hard. I've been avoiding it, I know I can't capture all the thoughts that raced through my mind Saturday night, or Sunday night, but I'll try now, on Monday night.
Elysse came down with her gay friend Cooper for the weekend. We ate and watched "Big Fish" on DVD in my room Saturday night. Sunday Cooper left early to meet his friend at the mall while Elysse stayed with me to talk and walk around for a bit. Then we left to join the others at the mall. Afterward we headed to the Delta Tau Delta frat at Georgia Tech and mostly watched TV, chilled, and played drinking games with cards. I drove home, alone, at about 5 am after quite a bit of drinking, though I felt all right, certainly not drunk.
I cried for a little bit both nights they were in town. I felt empty and lonely.
I felt nervous and uncomfortable about Elysse coming. Here I was, getting used to my solitude, and suddenly I had make sure everything went fine, because she would go back and this weekend would, out of necessity, become a defining memory for her of me. I knew after she'd leave that I would miss her and feel lonely. The anticipation of those feelings simply made them start even earlier.
I don't know why I feel so bothered by this weekend. Everything was fine. Even hanging out at the frat house was fine. We all got along. The drinking games were fun.
It was mostly small talk. I wasn't able to get a really good conversation out of Elysse; we didn't catch up, perhaps because there was nothing to catch up to on my part. Her friend Cooper I ultimately disliked. He had a high schoolish mentality, constantly making cracks at everything. I couldn't get a good conversation out of him. He didn't seem interested in me in the least, which would normally be fine, but since they were coming down to spend time with me, some interest would have been polite. No questions really. He never really said anything to me the whole weekend. He just made me sad. Tall, handsome, nasty gay accent, swimmer, immature. Only began sexual relations with guys this year and has already had 8 hookups, including a threesome, sex, etc. He doesn't do relationships, just hookups. He's never had a boyfriend. "I just like the chase but lose interest afterward," he said. But he said eventually he'll find someone and fall in love. It was a casual view. Everything will fall into place. Life, through its own application, sorts itself out.
What did I want? Saturday night I saw him moving about. We said goodnight. I came into my room, leaving the door ajar, and took off my shorts. I looked at the door and paused. Did I want him to come in, to seduce me? Did I want to give a blowjob to a stranger? A good-looking, gay-sounding, slutty one? It felt like a hopeless situation. I yearned for it even though I'd feel dirty afterward. If I didn't get it then I'd feel like I'd missed out. How can this be: every opportunity seems to result in my feeling even worse than having had nothing. It seems, I go without sex and that's bad, or I go with bad sex and that's bad. The proper thing would have been a swell gay guy to have come with Elysse, not a careless immature one.
I am so sensitive. Sometimes Elysse let me play with her, other times she flit my hand away. And I felt intimately rejected when she batted my hand away from playing with her hair. She hooked up with a nerdy-looking guy there and didn't even say goodbye to me that night. She left the frat house the next morning back to Nashville, while I was sleeping in my own house. I still feel a bit empty. It'll go away. My depressed feelings now focus on my loneliness.
We talked all night about suicide and she said
If this is living, how come I never feel alive?
Well if it's all so hard
Why don't you slide on down with me?
And if you're hanging on my words, yeah
Well that's alright with me
Because it's just so easy
And we'll be all rare
You get it and go, you get it and go
You know it's alright, you know it's alright
You get it and go, you get it and go
you get a little high, you get a little low
You get it and go, you get it and go
You get it and go, you get it and go
You know it's alright, you know it's alright
It'd be nice to have a boy say, 'slide on down with me. Hang onto my words.' But in my experience they like to keep their distance, keep their thoughts to themselves. They don't want you hanging on or they say you're stalking them. They don't have tidy romantic visions or even – dare I say it? – a lust for life. As always, I'm repeating myself. |
|  |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
eagerkiss's journal
content